Revenge of The Pork Pie

After decades of warnings and numerous near misses, the scourge of the pork pie has been unleashed on the world. The H1N1 virus or "swine flu" has finally surfaced after the Pork Pie Mothership gave the order to a Mexican batch of "Hector's Hearty Pork Pasties" in the small town of Chimalhuacán (just north of Mexico City, Mexico). These pies were buried in the Mexican desert many moons ago. These pies contain strains which have been festering beneath their decaying crusts for over 30 years. A small boy out playing with his Wooden Toy Baleros Cup Barrel gently skipped as he rattled out tunes. Eyewitness reports state his foot went through the soil beneath him as he skipped and deep into the festering virus buried beneath the pie crust. Unaware of any problems, the young boy stood up, brushed off the crumbs and skipped home as his Cup Barrel rattled out more tunes. He later made a huge candy filled Pinata with his father. There began the catalyst which would start a world pandemic. The Pinata was beaten open by excited children at a family party and dozens of excited bambinos dashed in to each grab a piece of the virus tainted candy. The rest my friends is history. The 30 year Pork Pie plan is now well under way. World governments are playing it down as "Swine Flu". Pie defence officials know otherwise. Is this the end of the world? Time will tell.

Sweeney Todd - Pie Making Sod

The Pier Piper of Hamelin has a long and twisted lineage.
One of his decendents, a certain Mr Sweeney Todd of Ye olde London towne opened the first fast food shop.
Offering a quick "penny all off" which most people thought was a good bargain to get your hair cut for only a penny.
Alas, you got more than you paid for as he included an introductory "slice and dice" with a cut throat razor for free.
His business never really attracted a regular clientelle, and certainly was not spread by word-of-mouth mainly because no one ever got out to return for another seession.
His mistress worked downstairs in the bakery preparing a selection of hot crusty fayre.
Both Sweeney and his "bint" were under the control of a steak and kidney regional pye master who lurked within the underground sewers of the old city.
They were eventually discovered when one of their pies ate a customer.
Although it has never been officially confirmed, there are rumours that Jack The Ripper was in league with Sweeney.

Pied Piper - Evil Bastard

We've all read the books as children. The evil wrong doings of the notorious badman of Hamelin in Germany in 1284. Our school teachers lied to us in their telling of the old fable. The town folk of Hamelin tried ripping the Piper off for his 24 hour rat cleansing phase. The Piper returned to get his revenge on the town when he piped 130 boys and girls down to the river, never to be seen again. Our teachers, and all written work since have told us the children drowned in the river. LIARS!!! The children were lured into a class 5 pie and were whisked off to a Pie Making facility to the East of Dusseldorf. It was there that the children grew old and died making shortcake arrow heads for the Great invasion of Leipzig in 1303. The story was well documented by townsfolk but the original bindings were lost in a cellar in neighbouring Poland. Over 630 years later Adolf Hitler invaded Poland in the hope of finding the alledged written works. He was successful only to have the bindings taken from his body after he was entombed in a custard slice at the end of WW2.

St Puddings Day - yet another masquerade

"top o der marnin" as they say over in the emerald isle.
Emerald my eye.
The green is nothing more than the 40,000 year build up of fungus thats grown on the spilt gravy from a large meat n tatey pie transporter that had a major propulsion failure due to being over loaded with a hearty crop of finest spuds and plummeted back to earth off the west coast of england.
More commonly known now as Ireland but back when mr cromagnon was striking chunks of rock together to make fire, that island was called Pieland.
This mass of festering puss soured the land and was the major cause of the great potato famine of the 1800's.
St Pudding came along to bring enlightenment to the Emerald isle and promised to drive the remnants of the crusty critters from the shores but alas, he was nearly eaten by a marauding mutated liver n onion slice in a flaky pastry wrap so he hot footed it back across the water to Wales.
He was never the same again and was plagued by nightmares for the rest of his life. He walked around the country telling his story, but no one believed him.
Mick Stupp the local guide in ballynytus, county tyrone often conducts tours for visitors and recounts the tales of woe and depths of depression that befell St Pudding.
His friend, Mick Sterbs, the florist has a collection of notes supposedly written down by St Pudding at the time of his nightly outbursts, a few are written here:
"dead on"
"so ye arr"
"like eye"
Everyone a modern classic
Eventually he changed his name to Patrick.
Those pies have a lot to answer for.