"Festive Greetings Earthlings"

An understatment if ever there was one.
This story has been told for eons and the true tale has been lost and mis-interpreted down the ages.
The three wise men were in fact 3 bakers representing Britain on their way to ye olde international pye festival in the middle east.
whilst discussing their olde recipies on route they noticed a blinding light in the skye, which they took as a good omen and continued to follow in it's direction where they ultimetely discovered its final resting place, somewhere near a run down old shack with a few goats and sheep hanging around.
What they actually saw was an ICBM (Inter-Continental Ballistic Meat-pie) which had malfunctioned and crash landed in the red sea, which caused a massive tidal wave that accidentaly wiped out a load of egyptions who were out on a 10 mile charriot race.
This scene was corroborated by gang of Jewish campers having a lads night out.
The heat from the impact caused a load of bushes to catch fire with such intensity that the raging crackles of the burning branches sounded like a ogreous voice as it echoed around the canyon, as told by an old geezer who was nearby collecting stone slabs to use as roof slates.
Ye Olde bakers strayed too close to the impact site and were stricken with fever, vomiting, and an uncanny ability to glow in the dark.
All that was found of them a few years later somewhere in a cave near the dead sea was a load of olde recipies which they had stashed in their earthen wear storage urns.
The stories began to circulate and over the years, someone had good sense to write the recipies down into one book which was originally called British Ingredients By Levent Esballahh (the author).
A lot has been lost through mulitple translations which recounted wildly eroneous stories of great feasts using a few fish and garlic bread and a secret way of turning water into mulled wine !
Suffice to say the Phrase "festive greetings" was originally "Festid Greetings".........

SCONEHENGE

Here is an artist's rendition of how "Sconehenge" looked before it calcified and turned to stone. These huge scones were baked hundreds of miles from the site and were transported by the slaves of the Pie Men around 2500 BC. The process took a very long time as the scones were being consumed by the slaves enroute before reaching the site. For many years there were just plates of crumbs reaching the construction site. The Pie Men eventually decided to feed the slaves during the journey, ensuring the large baked scones remained intact for the huge monument. The name "Sconehenge" was lost in translation over the years where the monument came to be known as "Stonehenge".

If only Armstrong had opened his eyes!

July 1969... the world looks on in awe as Neil Armstrong unravels the American Flag on the surface of the moon. Had Neil not been so engaged in trying to get his flag to fly, then perhaps he would have noticed the crash landed Lamb & Pea behemoth craft pictured in the foreground above. He only had to glance to his right, but no, he had to get that last crease out of the flag. Shame on you Mr Armstrong!! Perhaps the world would be a safer place had you returned to Earth with a gravy or crust sample instead of the pounds and pounds of moon rock. Our military could have been well on the way to developing a crust buster or an anti gravy scald device. Nice one Neil!

Photograph courtesy of an undisclosed source who happened to be on the moon at the time of the NASA landings.

This craft must be destroyed!

A leaked surveillance photo of the secret construction of a huge "Beef "n" Onion" type pie transporter. The craft is over 1 mile wide with the ability to transport a payload of 2 million Vanilla Slice attack craft. The project is ongoing in the Australian desert and is normally covered with a large styrofoam fake "Ayres Rock" during daylight hours. Rolf Harris is the reluctant Chief Project Manager for the mock Ayres Rock camoflage. His entire family have been held hostage with a threat of them all being drowned if he fails to cooperate (Rolf being the only swimmer in the Harris household). The pie has an estimated completion date of March 2010. It must be stopped!!!

Hitler's body finally found!!

Over 60 years after his alleged death, this leaked photograph from an undisclosed location, is sure to send shockwaves around the Globe. Hitler's body has been preserved since 1945 inside a huge frozen custard slice. This surely has to be the work of the evil pie empire. An undisclosed source was quoted as saying "Pie scientists are only months away from thawing Hitler out and transplanting his crazy mind into the ailing Pie Nation Leader Boil Deggs." The photo was leaked out due to an order error in the photo department at a Milton Keynes branch of Boots.

and so the meek shall inherit the earth.........not

It came as a shock to the world.
The great pie cover-up, and not of a short crust pastry kind either, was over.
Alas, we had all been conned by the elder statesmen of the ruling powers of this planet.
For many , many years we had known of the existence of UFO's, Unsavoury-Flaky-Objects.
These governments had in place an elite undercover agency "the MIB" know to the secret services as "Made-In-Batches", which was set up purely to keep the rumours and reported public sightings of UFO's under wraps, wraps which we later discovered to be of the grease-proof paper type.
When these unsavoury selections returned in their legions of a bakers dozen or more, these choux-pastry type molecular pieforms showed no mercy.
The Earth was not our planet, no, we were mereley here as a parasitic lifeform which sprouted from the earths crust and was purely a biological accident which started as a reaction with the milk and egg wash basting that was already atop the crust.
We were mislead when the great prophets states "and so the meek shall inherit the earth", it should have read "and so the Meat and potato filling shall inherit the earth".
The picture shows the great egyption papyrus found in the tomb of A-Lah-Bah-Rah which clearly depicts our ancestors being subserviant to a selection of meaty treats.
Gristly times were ahead.

Area 51, east 43rd street, behind Piemart

Here is an early photo of one of the first pies to be taken away for observation. Little did the world know about the sheer venom contained beneath the crust of these early smaller pie specimens. The ferocity of the gravy within...scalding all in it's path. This picture is circa 1979, taken in the remote mining town of Elko, Nevada, USA. No one working at the facility lived to tell of the horror that unfolded. The photo was taken by a Japanese tourist aboard a Greyhound tour bus, who wishes to remain anonymous. The photo was leaked out by Katie Couric through an un-named news affiliate.

is it a bird, is it a plane, no its.................a pie ?!

This image was miraculously recovered from a mobile phone that was found beside the embalmed body of a member of the public whom happened to be trapped in the filling of a crash landed Custard Slice.
very grimm indeed.

Seek and you will find

Simmer down you lot.
The waiting is almost over.
A big shout went out and the Baldy one commeth forth.
Abandon ye all hope of holding onto your sanity when we start churning.
Flan

return of the piemen

this excursion into the bright and not that distant past is a tale of mass destruction and mayhem forged in the surreal and totally insane minds of two teenage fools.
just average kids on a council estate, no money, plenty of time on our hands and a large vat of bordedom that we displaced by pouring in gallons of our mad humour.

we wrote the story after school, drew the characters, read it and laughed until we choked.
we shared it with our close mates and they laughed.
so did a few others.

so, hang on a while until i trace down my mate who now lives in the USA and we'll share the insane workings of a couple of nut-cases.

"Baldy, where are you?"

cheers